Honestly, that's been my emotion for 9 years since my Mom left this world. Numb. I smile just so that others don't see the pain. I have struggled with losing her.
As I sit here, getting ready to go into my own battle, I wonder what would Mom say. I imagine she would smile (to hide the pain) and then would grab me and hold me until the sobbing stopped. She would then tell me to go wash off my face and then we will talk. She listens intently as I tell her my latest news. Mom would say, "Now stop crying. You are only going to get a stuffy nose and a headache." Mom would go on to say, "You will be okay. It is all going to be alright. You have got to keep praying."
The reality is that she is not here. I now must put the armor on and pretend like it's okay.
However, it's not okay. Life as I know it is slowly crumbling and changing. I feel like there is a landslide coming soon. I have to wonder though if this feeling is all because of our world in the last 3 months. There has been so much fear, anger, hatred...unrest.
Tonight I am pondering why I was given the word "restoration". There certainly has not been anything restored. Back on my New Year's post, I had said that my faith is unshakeable. Well, my faith is strong but it has been shaken.
Tonight, I am kneeling for peace, comfort of fears, renewed hope, and restoration of this world so that the numbness we feel in our souls is replaced by a renewing energy. I am tired of being numb...comfortably numb.
