I've been thinking about my life a year ago.
One year ago, I had only been attending church for one month. I went at first for my daughter. You see, she was saved on Christmas Eve. She asked Jesus to be her forever friend at the Christmas Eve service. My goal was to take her to church to help her blossom in her faith. Then my next goal was to get my son going to Sunday school to help prepare him for school. All of this was from my Mom dying earlier in the year from cancer. You see, God has perfect timing. He showed us His perfect timing a few days before my Mom passed and the day that she left us to go home with the Lord.
The Thursday before she died, my daughter and I were on our way to visit her. KK grabbed my hand and looked up at me (we were about 1 block away from the nursing home.) and said, "Mom? Is everything going to be okay? Is Grandma going to Heaven?" Of course, I turned it around and said, "Yes, honey, it is going to be okay. Jesus is with us. What do you think is going to happen when Grandma dies?" KK says the most amazing thing next, "Well, Grandma is going to Heaven. She will be so happy, Mom! I just know it! She is not only going to get to see Jesus, but she is going to see all of her family that are gone like her parents and grandparents. Grandma is not going to have anymore pain and you know what else Mom? She is going to have a new, beautiful body that will no longer have cancer." This was said so matter-of-fact that it gave me goosebumps. I knew that the message came from God. That was March, 2011.
When Mom passed, the day was nothing but perfect timing. Down to my brother A being there. I had spent all night there Friday night because we had been told her skin had started modeling. That indicates the process of dying has begun. Random funny moment Friday night/Saturday morning about 4 am, I decided that I might need to actually eat. So, I went down to the cafeteria and in the vending machine was this burger. I swear Mom had them put that in there on purpose. The title of the burger was so funny that I sat there and laughed so hard for a good 10 minutes. That would have been something she and I would have laughed about for days, weeks, sometimes even years. We had so many long standing jokes between us that nobody really got except for myself and Mom.
My picture of the not appropriate burger:
About midnight, I came back into her room and sat next to her holding her hand. I started singing "Amazing Grace" to her quietly. At one point, she turned her head to me and had opened her eyes. She was still there for just a brief moment and I whispered to her, "Mom, It's all gonna be okay, right?" Just like my daughter did on Thursday. She smiled at me and she shook her head yes and whispered back to me, "Yes, it will be okay." She then turned her head from me and closed her eyes while one tear was falling down her cheek. That was the last time we spoke to each other, the last time I heard my Mom's voice, the last time I saw her cry...that moment still makes my heart ache.
I went home early Saturday morning for about 2 hours. I think I just needed to hold my family and be near them for a little while. When I got back, my Brother M, sister-in-law E, and my Dad were there. When I went into her room, I announced loudly, "A said that he and D and the boys will be here around 2:30 today." They say the dying can still hear and that is one of the last senses to go..yeah I researched a lot about dying, the process of dying. I needed to know what was going to happen. Right before lunch, I went to the chapel and just sat down and prayed. I cried and I prayed for my brothers and my Dad. That we would all somehow grant Mom her final wish of just getting along. I don't remember praying as hard as I did that day. E's Mom brought us lunch and at lunch time I asked my niece to come with me to get my daughter. I just felt that I needed to get her. After picking up KK, we then headed to Mom and Dad's house to check on my 4-legged brother Otis. For some reason, my niece and I were sitting there and we both just got a feeling like we needed to leave. When we arrived back at the nursing home, Mom had opened her eyes the last time looking at E and A, my nephew and niece. Shortly after that, we all started telling Mom goodbye and letting her know for the thousandth time that we love her so very much and that we would meet again. Then her final moments came. All of us right there with her by her side. It was the most peaceful thing in my life that I could ever remember. I held her hand and laid my forehead on her side as she took her last breaths. I couldn't bear looking at her face. M says that she opened her eyes briefly as she took that last breath. All of us coached her...we told her to listen for the music and to not be afraid. She left this world surrounded by her family and love, surrounded by her children that finally got their stuff together and got along, and most importantly guided by God's perfect timing.
What I didn't realize in those first months of 2012? I was the one who needed to find a church home. Yes, the kids needed it too BUT I needed it in a big way! My church feels like home to me and my kids. I feel safe, happy....just right.
9 months and 19 days after Mom passed away, KK asked Jesus to be her forever friend! I shared John 3:16 with her and told her the same thing my very good friend L. B. wrote to me in a note that she handed me before the start of Math class. Jesus became my forever friend during Math class in my sophomore year of high school. I've always been told it's about God's plan and His perfect timing. This "Jesus Thing" came up after a particularly hard season of my life and through the difficult process of my son being diagnosed with PDD-NOS (An autism spectrum disorder and just google it or check out my other blog "My Quirky Son"). I felt so alone in 2011 and part of 2012. I felt like I had no purpose and that my world was completely gray. When Mom died, my world was turned upside down. I felt like a piece of my heart broke off. I prayed for God to help me find some friends, not just any friends, Godly women. I asked for that specifically and you know what? God gave me just that in the form of my Lifegroup and a church family. I have felt so weird about asking for prayers but I've kept at it. The pastors and elders at my church care. They check up on me and they pray for me. They have celebrated some of my joys and they have helped me through tough situations. I am growing but in a different way. I am growing spiritually.
One year ago, I felt just a slight flicker and today, I feel like I am burning inside with this this insatiable thirst, it's like a need and a want both. Every time I open my bible, I get relief from that insatiable thirst. I know there is more and I can't wait to find out what more there could be. I am excited; shaking with it really. It's like that feeling you get right before Christmas morning when you are anticipating that moment of opening gifts but so much more. Like how I felt the night before I got married BUT so much more.
Some things Mom sent us from Heaven:
The rainbow on what would have been her birthday, 4/28/2011. It was so massive that I couldn't get it all in picture. And one thing the picture doesn't show, the bright violet color was so vibrant! Mom's favorite color was purple.
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