Get Out of My Head! Part 1

Get out of my head!

This past week has been full of negative inner thoughts.  These thoughts are stealing my joy and I want to get them out of my head! Be gone!

I started reading (I am still behind but decided to skip to this one and then will go back...shh! inner self!) Chapter 10: Negative Inside Chatter from the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst. 

So many times in my life I have let negative inner thoughts or chatter ruin that point in time. This has robbed me from joy.  I WANT MY JOY BACK! When I read this assignment, I started writing notes...that very day there was already some of that "negative inside chatter" gumming up my day. That was just Monday of this week.

Monday Morning, 7:45 am EST

I woke up already telling myself that I was a failure because I woke up late. I even convinced myself that the children were going to be awful and all that was going to happen was another bad unglued mama morning.  There was no time to get dressed, eat breakfast, let alone time for my special ADD girl to be taking her time. I wish these kids could just get up, get dressed, no arguments, no attitude but no I am being punished by "the curse" that every mother pins on her children. (This is my thoughts in about 1 minute of time!)

Finally, I reach their room. I open the door as the dread just swallowed me whole. Guess What? Kaelie was not wanting to wake, she was back talking me, she told me NO! Of course, what happens next? I started screaming.  Not just any kind of screaming....I sounded like a banshee!

The vicious cycle continues...

8:00 AM EST

I start yelling, Jack (who usually isn't home at that time but took a vacation day) starts yelling at me because we have now woke him up.  Today, I don't remember what he said to me.  But I can tell you whatever those words were, they stung and they stayed in my mind all morning! (Inside Voice says in a nagging, "What makes you think that you can actually succeed? What makes you think you are capable of leaving this house early? Maybe you should just throw in the towel and give up. Everyone else at work can manage to get there on time.")

8:20 AM EST

Finally, we are in the car and making our way to Dad's house so that the kids can eat breakfast and get on the bus.

8:35 AM EST

I am on my way to work and end being late about 15 minutes.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 7:00 AM EST

History repeats itself...just read the above. Well, except for this time all of the above really unhinges Eli.

8:30 AM EST
Late to Dad's house again.  Kaelie and Eli get into an argument about the color of the cereal bowl! Kaelie is crying with her arms crossed over her chest and stomping her feet. (I am pulling my hair out at this point and my poor Dad is off to the side shaking his head. Inner voice ridiculing me some more says, "Look, even your own Dad thinks that you are a failure!")

8:40 AM EST
I have still not left for work.  Bus pulls up in front of Dad's house, Kaelie is crying because she didn't get to eat her breakfast.  Eli runs back into the house crying because he didn't get to brush his teeth. God forbid we have a change in his picture schedule and have to skip a step or 2!

I say, "Oh, (INSERT BAD WORD) with all of this! Fine, you go brush your teeth and you finish your cereal! I will just take you to school!" Eli crying still, "But I wanted to ride the bus. I don't want you to take me and now I am not going!" Then Kaelie chimes in, "Mom! We missed the bus. It's all your fault! I don't want you to take me to school. I wanted to ride the bus!" I respond back with, "You are both grounded! I am so tired of you treating me this way!" (Inner Voice says sarcastically, "Never mind, the screaming from earlier from Mommy because she couldn't hold it together.What a nut case!") Eli runs from me and he plays his daily game of let's run away from Mommy because I am so overloaded from all the yelling game. This time he was kicking and smacking me as I was shoving him into the car.

8:45 AM EST
He cried all the way to school.  He cried getting out of the car and refused to get out of the car. I finally have to force him out of the car.  I am holding his hand all the way into school and he is wailing so loudly (insert firetruck wailing noise here) that every Mom and Dad are now staring at us! (Inner Voice goes in for the kill with, "Oh Great! Now they are all staring at me.  They must be thinking look at that crazy family. Why can't she control her kids? Wow, she needs to get some help and I mean the little men in white coats kind of help!")

8:50 AM EST
I am finally on my way to work. Must get coffee....

9:40 AM EST
This girl was a sobbing mess.  I replayed the inner chatter over and over again in my head. My joy was stolen and my day was horrible!

If you have made it this far into my story, hang on because I need to take a break so that I can actually get some work done here at well, my job. That is why they do pay me.....Part 2 Up Next some time after lunch! I did some research into this Negative Chatter and how do I fight it? Well, let's just say the Bible, "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst, a couple of wonderful ladies in my life!

And by the way, Wednesday and today have been so much better...considering. Today, we only had a 15 minute meltdown with Eli over what shoes he wanted to wear.  I totally bribed him.

***Update! Check out Part 2!***