Raging Battle that I Intend to Win

There is this raging battle going on with me right now in this life. I am battling a lot of emotional stuff that at times includes depression, unhappiness, anxiety, fear...a spirit crushing time in my life. I've had heartache after heartache off and on over the last 6 to 7 years. From having a miscarriage, marital discontent to losing 2 important people in my life; my Mom and my big brother. These things have left scars on my heart that run deep inside of me.

Instead of turning to God for some of these things, I turned to food, alcohol, and sex. Yeah, I am putting that out there. You see, these are all forms of self sabotage. I know this now after counseling and yes, even praying. I craved those things more than I craved God. I did not love me.

I think mostly I did not feel any kind of self worth. I didn't know that I was loved. I often looked in the mirror with anguish and tears, "How could God love someone like me? I am damaged." These thoughts threatened to cause me to want to give up. Many times I felt like that but I kept moving. I believe during those times of some of my most darkest moments in life, that God was with me...I don't just believe I know he was carrying me.

I am better now with some days that are harder than others. But the difference now and even just 1 year ago, I quit relying on myself (I've had to rely on me for so long...) and I got down on my knees and begged God to take care of me. He has. He will always be there for me.

It's a coincidence that just today I was talking with my Sunday school class (I teach 1st and 2nd grade.) and shared with them a moment only a couple of weeks ago about how God was right there with me. He did not abandon me. I had a car wreck. I hit an icy patch on the highway and ended up swerving out of control starting to do a 360 to the right when another car was coming. They hit my right front side and spun me around in the other direction (another 360). At that point, I took my hands off the wheel (literally) as there was nothing I could do because counter-steering did nothing. I prayed out loud and said, "God, Father, please don't let anyone be hurt. Please take over and help me to land safely." (Don't worry I didn't get too dramatic and detailed with them as I have with you.) But I told them that in that moment I kept the faith, I prayed and God saved me. He was with me in that car. Yes, my car was wrecked but I was still alive and unhurt!

When we arm ourselves with His word (our weapon) and add prayer into that combination, we can overcome anything. No matter the situation, whether it is food that we crave or we just simply are not putting God first, He will always be with us...by our side..."brick by brick...prayer by prayer...lay a path for victory." (Page 30 on Kindle Version, Made To Crave)