Get Out of My Head! Part 2

Get Out of My Head! Part 2

 

Loser, Failure, Bad Mom, Psycho, Worry, Not Good Enough! (Yes,that's me, yours truly!) I have had it with all these thoughts and I am ready to quiet this nasty and deceitful "negative inside chatter"! I started this assignment literally in the midst of this very thing as I wrote about in Part 1. I decided Tuesday afternoon that I was going to begin a quest to find some resolution to all this!

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Step One:

#1 Weapon: The Holy Bible mixed with #2 Weapon: "Unglued" Chapter 10 by Lysa Terkeurst (Lethal combination, indeed!)

I started reading chapter 10 skipping only up to 5 chapters! ;) However, what I found in these pages was just inspiring. I became a highlighting fool!

 

In the second paragraph, page 141, "Toxic thoughts are so dangerous because they leave no room for truth to flourish. And lies are what reign in the absence of truth." Right above that there are a few examples of some "negative inside chatter": (my favorite?) "Your kids just illustrated every inadequacy you have as a mom." What Lysa says about these toxic thoughts being dangerous is truth! This week by Tuesday, my negative inner thoughts completely drained my soul and I became irritated, unproductive, and depressed. I kept telling myself this will pass but I couldn't get past it.

 

What I found completely amazing is how God designed our bodies which Lysa also shares. "When we take information in our body and activate an attitude---a state of mind---it influences our reaction to life. The then-activated attitude---positive or negative---is transmitted from the thalamus (which is like the air traffic controller for all the thoughts in our brain) down to the hypothalamus. In short, God designed our bodies to respond to our thoughts." Amazing!!!!

 

 

Philippians 4:6-9

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me---put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

 



According to the scripture (wisdom) noted above, we should be thinking more positive, not destructive thoughts. These thoughts should be building us up, not tearing us down. These thoughts should bring me joy, not suck all my joy dry. Lysa goes on to explain these words further with 3 questions:

 1. "Did someone actually say this or am I making assumptions about what they're thinking?"

 

Lysa says, "Choose prayer over worry in every situation. We can ask God to shine His truth into our situation." Not every person you meet is thinking about you nearly as much as you might think. It is unfair of us to assume someone is thinking something about.  Instead of assuming, we should be seeking out the truth by simply asking that person to clarify and we should also ask God help with this process.

 

What I did was, on Tuesday, I called my Dad at lunch time. I asked him if he felt that I was doing all that I could because I was feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. Dad's response was one of love and understanding. He told me that Kaelie is a lot like not only me but my mother. He also told me that I could change and that he is always there for me. (so comforting to hear, my poor Dad has become my new sounding board since losing my Mom in March, 2011.)





 



2. "Am I actively immersing myself in truth?"

Lysa's advice, "Thinking runaway, worrisome thoughts is just an invitation to anxiety."

Fill yourself with God's truth and spend less time thinking about the untruths. After calling Dad and later that evening, I decided to do some more investigative work. I immersed myself into the Bible and began to read truth. This truth brought my joy back and it also brought me peace. I emailed a few women at my church that I have come to admire.

L's comfort verse goes like this, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you." Isaiah 43:2 She also sent me an attachment of a handout that she received from the "Walk to Emmaus". See Below.

 

 

C's response to me was James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." She suggested that I try www.biblegateway.com and there you can look up different topics and it will point you to the related bible verses. I haven't found out how this works fully. I did find a new Mom's devotional!

 

Last, but not least, W's response was a suggestion to read some pages out of another book that she was reading; "Your Relationship with God" by Dr. Gary Smalley. She even let me read some of the things she underlined for herself and that view into her personal thoughts was uplifting to me! One of the most memorable parts was on page 68, Key Verses: Romans 12:1-3; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 3:2; 1 Peter 1:13-16 "Ask the Lord to help you renew your mind daily so that you can live a holy life, as he has called you to do."

 

3. "Are there situations or relationships that feed my insecurities?"

 

Lysa's story on page 146 and page 147 regarding a friend that was not supportive and how the relationship faded away did remind me of a few past friendships in my own life. Her advice resonates some thinking that I have had this year about certain relationships, "Finally, if some situations or relationships feed our insecurities, maybe we need to take a break from them for a season."

 

I haven't fully addressed this question. Right now, for me deciding to let a friendship fade or losing another person in my life would be detrimental to me at this point. Losing my Mom back in March of 2011 has made me to clinch onto my relationships. But I can tell you that I decided at the beginning of this year, my new year's resolution would be to cut back on those relationships that brought a certain amount of toxicity to my life. I also decided that I needed to find a church home and I needed to surround myself with more "Godly" friends.  I have found some amazing, kind, loving, and accepting women at my church and within my Lifegroup. Also, this online bible study with Group 39 has helped me regain my joy and to chat with women in other states and countries with the same issues has given me comfort. My special email pal continues to lift my spirits.

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In conclusion, I would like to leave you with these last words of Lysa's from page 149. "Addressing the issue of inside chatter will lead us to freedom! Not just freedom from negative things like doubt and insecurities, confusion and suspicion. But freed to pour out love on others. Freedom to think clearly. Freedom to obey God's call on our lives no matter what others think. Our thoughts really matter. After all, how a woman thinks is often how she lives"

 

Told you I had a lot to say! If you made it to this point, I hope that this brings you joy, peace and comfort. I sincerely hope that this helps one person.

 

Dear Father,

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom! Please fill our mouths with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Let us know that, you Lord, have done great things for us! (Psalm 126:2) I praise you Father for bringing some wonderful "Godly" women into my life. Help me to defeat these negative thoughts. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

 

Get Out of My Head! Part 1

Get out of my head!

This past week has been full of negative inner thoughts.  These thoughts are stealing my joy and I want to get them out of my head! Be gone!

I started reading (I am still behind but decided to skip to this one and then will go back...shh! inner self!) Chapter 10: Negative Inside Chatter from the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst. 

So many times in my life I have let negative inner thoughts or chatter ruin that point in time. This has robbed me from joy.  I WANT MY JOY BACK! When I read this assignment, I started writing notes...that very day there was already some of that "negative inside chatter" gumming up my day. That was just Monday of this week.

Monday Morning, 7:45 am EST

I woke up already telling myself that I was a failure because I woke up late. I even convinced myself that the children were going to be awful and all that was going to happen was another bad unglued mama morning.  There was no time to get dressed, eat breakfast, let alone time for my special ADD girl to be taking her time. I wish these kids could just get up, get dressed, no arguments, no attitude but no I am being punished by "the curse" that every mother pins on her children. (This is my thoughts in about 1 minute of time!)

Finally, I reach their room. I open the door as the dread just swallowed me whole. Guess What? Kaelie was not wanting to wake, she was back talking me, she told me NO! Of course, what happens next? I started screaming.  Not just any kind of screaming....I sounded like a banshee!

The vicious cycle continues...

8:00 AM EST

I start yelling, Jack (who usually isn't home at that time but took a vacation day) starts yelling at me because we have now woke him up.  Today, I don't remember what he said to me.  But I can tell you whatever those words were, they stung and they stayed in my mind all morning! (Inside Voice says in a nagging, "What makes you think that you can actually succeed? What makes you think you are capable of leaving this house early? Maybe you should just throw in the towel and give up. Everyone else at work can manage to get there on time.")

8:20 AM EST

Finally, we are in the car and making our way to Dad's house so that the kids can eat breakfast and get on the bus.

8:35 AM EST

I am on my way to work and end being late about 15 minutes.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 7:00 AM EST

History repeats itself...just read the above. Well, except for this time all of the above really unhinges Eli.

8:30 AM EST
Late to Dad's house again.  Kaelie and Eli get into an argument about the color of the cereal bowl! Kaelie is crying with her arms crossed over her chest and stomping her feet. (I am pulling my hair out at this point and my poor Dad is off to the side shaking his head. Inner voice ridiculing me some more says, "Look, even your own Dad thinks that you are a failure!")

8:40 AM EST
I have still not left for work.  Bus pulls up in front of Dad's house, Kaelie is crying because she didn't get to eat her breakfast.  Eli runs back into the house crying because he didn't get to brush his teeth. God forbid we have a change in his picture schedule and have to skip a step or 2!

I say, "Oh, (INSERT BAD WORD) with all of this! Fine, you go brush your teeth and you finish your cereal! I will just take you to school!" Eli crying still, "But I wanted to ride the bus. I don't want you to take me and now I am not going!" Then Kaelie chimes in, "Mom! We missed the bus. It's all your fault! I don't want you to take me to school. I wanted to ride the bus!" I respond back with, "You are both grounded! I am so tired of you treating me this way!" (Inner Voice says sarcastically, "Never mind, the screaming from earlier from Mommy because she couldn't hold it together.What a nut case!") Eli runs from me and he plays his daily game of let's run away from Mommy because I am so overloaded from all the yelling game. This time he was kicking and smacking me as I was shoving him into the car.

8:45 AM EST
He cried all the way to school.  He cried getting out of the car and refused to get out of the car. I finally have to force him out of the car.  I am holding his hand all the way into school and he is wailing so loudly (insert firetruck wailing noise here) that every Mom and Dad are now staring at us! (Inner Voice goes in for the kill with, "Oh Great! Now they are all staring at me.  They must be thinking look at that crazy family. Why can't she control her kids? Wow, she needs to get some help and I mean the little men in white coats kind of help!")

8:50 AM EST
I am finally on my way to work. Must get coffee....

9:40 AM EST
This girl was a sobbing mess.  I replayed the inner chatter over and over again in my head. My joy was stolen and my day was horrible!

If you have made it this far into my story, hang on because I need to take a break so that I can actually get some work done here at well, my job. That is why they do pay me.....Part 2 Up Next some time after lunch! I did some research into this Negative Chatter and how do I fight it? Well, let's just say the Bible, "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst, a couple of wonderful ladies in my life!

And by the way, Wednesday and today have been so much better...considering. Today, we only had a 15 minute meltdown with Eli over what shoes he wanted to wear.  I totally bribed him.

***Update! Check out Part 2!***

Stuff

I am so super excited to finish the Unglued study and move on to the Greater study with my OBS group on Proverbs 31! I have shared prayers, thoughts, and encouragement with some amazing ladies and cannot wait to study even more with them! Shout out to Group 39...Thanks so much for all of you! Karen, our group leader, is such a kind a caring woman and her advice has really touched my heart.  The other ladies are such wonderful people too!

Story Time! Story Time! Story Time!

Yesterday, I had dropped Eli off at school which is not the normal routine! When we pulled up to the school, I got out and went around to his door to let him out. I was trying to convince him to put on his jacket and backpack which he refused of course.  That little stinker took off running and I had to run after him! We get inside the doors to the lobby where his teachers are waiting and Miss K says, "Oh, how fun! Are you having a race with Mommy, Eli?" I looked at her and smiled saying, "Oh No! I was chasing after him because he took off running and was not listening when I asked him to stop!" Eli then proceeded to hide behind me and he takes his hands and balls them into fists and starts shaking like he is mad or scared! He is such a drama king! That's his new favorite saying next to "Never!"...."I am afraid!" I guess he thought he was going to get into trouble for not listening from his teacher.

Later in the day, I send his teacher an email and ask how he did after I left. I was wondering if he had a meltdown. Good news, he didn't and all was okay. Here's the reply:

"Hi--He did okay. He was definitely full of energy! He did not have any meltdowns, but needed to be redirected a few times. He has so much personality and says some of the funniest things:) I was working on some OT things with him and he said he couldn't do it because it would make him fall down. I asked him to try and he "fell" to the ground, very dramatically--hard not to laugh:)"



Kaelie

Moms, I really need some advice on this one....how do I keep a good, honest, open relationship with my daughter? We are really butting heads right now. I know it is a phase and will continue to happen throughout our time together.

It's so hard to not focus on Eli with all that is going on with him. So, I do Girl Scouts with her but I really think she and I need some good old fashioned girl time together.  One thing I do with her, is we watch a movie together, do manis and pedis, eat junk food, and cuddle on the couch. I just wondered what other kinds of things we could do that is inexpensive but fun. What do you do with your daughter to bond?

As my darling KK says, "Peace out Girl Scout!"



****Update: For some reason the book review I signed up with is now not working. I am not reviewing any books for now. It seems it might have just been a shady deal.****

My Quirky Super Hero

quirk·y/ˈkwərkē/

Adjective:	Characterized by peculiar or unexpected traits: "quirky charm".
Synonyms:	peculiar

More info »Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster - The Free Dictionary

 

 

Yep, that's my boy! He definitely has quirky charm! When I first thought my son had a problem, I didn't understand the exact problem. So, me being "the one who researches mystery illnesses and issues with google", came up with nothing. But I knew in my heart, that something was different.

 

My son was 18 months old and he was not acting like he should at that age. I brought this up to my husband and told him about how the pediatrician wanted us to take him for some evaluations. I should have listened to my gut feeling and not my husband's advice.  He said, "There is nothing wrong with our boy. We do not need to have him evaluated for anything. You are just being paranoid." From about 18 months to 3 years, he continued not to talk much and avoided eye contact.  He played yes with a lot of imagination but it was as if he was in his own world that I refer to fondly as "Eli World". His play was very repetitive in that he would pretend he was inside of a Dora cartoon, and when he would talk, it would be either singing Dora songs or repeating dialogue from the many Dora shows. Now, he watches more than just Dora but each week he gets "hooked" almost like how the old record players used to skip. He would often pull out cans of veggies or soup out of the kitchen cupboard and would stack the cans to make "Big Towers!".

 

Eli requires a strict schedule and what I mean by that is any change in routine puts him into a tailspin.  He becomes quirkier. I've also noticed his "quirky behaviors" come out when he is really tired or overstimulated. Often, (this even goes back to when he was younger) he will hum to himself and/or will spin in circles flapping his arms. He does not maintain eye contact at times and when you take pictures of him he often will avert his eyes to a different direction. He has no impulse control at times i.e. jumping off of the top of the couch to the floor or running out the front door every morning because he thinks that because his shoes are on and he is ready that he can just walk out the door without Mommy or Daddy. When it gets to be too much for Eli, he hides in many places; under the kitchen table, in his room under a blanket, behind the bushes to our church entrance or the tall ornamental grass in the summer time, and yes even behind the tents set up for VBS. But that's my favorite quirky boy, what other choice do I have but to love him?

Fast forward to October of last year, I was able to get him an evaluation through our school district while awaiting various appointments through Children's  Hospital. The teachers agreed that something was off with Eli but they would not tell me their honest opinion because they are not doctors. Their suggestion was to go through the speech evaluation first thing and then get back in touch with them. They even promised that they would be seeing Eli again soon. Another month goes by and we finally got the speech evaluation. His diagnosis was a speech and language delay; he tested at a 2 year old level (he was 3 years and 4 months at the time of testing). That alone got him his IEP and a spot for preschool. However, Eli did not start school until March, 2012.  There was other paperwork and also an appointment with the DBPP or whatever that department is called at Children's.

January, 2012 we met with a nurse practitioner at Children's with Eli, my husband, and myself. She immediately dismissed the notion that he could be on the spectrum of Austim. Her exact words to me at the end of the appointment was "He does not have Autism because he communicates with me and he is communicating with you." I was enraged! I held it in and did not become unglued. I just smiled and said "While I appreciate your opinion, I do not agree with you and I would like to do some further testing. And actually, would like a cognitive test done."

February, March and April of 2012 is a great big blur to me when I think back to everything. Eli was still quirky and still the same. During that time we endured 2 parts of the cognitive testing.  The parent session where it was pretty obvious to the doctor that my husband and I did not agree about Eli but we both agreed there were some problems. Then came the 2nd part, Eli's actual evaluation. Because this area hospital and this particular department is so overloaded with patients, I was not able to get the results until July! His test was done in April!!! So what happens next, I MISSED THE APPOINTMENT! Ugh!

I ended up rescheduling and had an appointment scheduled for August 28th.  I go to the appointment that morning and I end up getting stuck in over an hour worth of traffic (didn't realize it was UC's first day back!) and I am calling the office from 8 am to 8:10 am; noboday answered! Their phones were not on until after 8:10 am.  So I call and ask if I will still be seen.  The customer service person that anwered the phone was not nice about it and gave a nonchalant, attitude filled response "Probably." So I say, "Okay, let's see if I can make it on time." So I call back at 8:20 am and got the same person. I asked her if I could still be seen, explaining through tears that I needed to have this appointment because of his IEP and I can't take anymore time off of work. She says "HOLD ON" with yet again, an attitude. I am crying now even harder and I say out loud to myself "YOU ARE SUCH A FAILURE! WHY CAN'T YOU GET ANYWHERE ON TIME? WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BAD MOM?" Finally, the CSP gets back on the phone, "The doctor will still see you if you get here before 8:30.", with the same attitude problem as before. I say to her, "Thank you so much for checking on that for me! And I will get there by 8:30." Yay! Something might just work out. I pull into the parking garage and it is 8:25.  I run out of my car and dash to the elevators. I get up to the 3rd floor and run through the doors and go to the automated check in desk and fiddle with that and then it says "You must sign in with the receptionist if you are past your appointment time."  I turn to the CSP and say "I'm finally here!" She gives me the look (you know, the I have the power kind of look) and she says, "I'm sorry but I don't think you can be seen. It's 8:29 but let me go check." I am devastated and start hyperventilating and the sobbing cries come back along with the CSP and she says"I am sorry but you can't be seen today." It was like the world came to a brief stop, like a water pot getting ready to boil over and then BOOM! I became unglued completely! I screamed at her, "It is 8:29 am and I am here before 8:30 am.  This is the worst service that I have ever encountered. If this were at my office, the patient would be seen!" She says, "Hold on. Let me go get Dr. so and so's nurse."  My face is red and I go out of the waiting room back into the hallway slamming the doors and punch the wall. At this point, I am sobbing, hyperventilating, and have snot, lots of snot running down and out of my nose! (Not one of my finer moments in life!) The nurse comes out and I completely explode on her, pouncing on her like my cat does with her catnip toys. (not physically but verbally) She really was professional and kept her cool so well. My temper tantrum did not work and I think at that point someone may have called security. I left.

The humor in all of this... I was about to start "Unglued" with my Lifegroup at church the very next day and the OBS through Proverbs 31 in the next week or 2. (I really could of used this study that day!)

A few weeks later, I sucked up my pride and went back for another appointment this time with my BFF for moral support on September 17, 2012. I even apologized to that poor nurse that I had pounced on! We are in the appointment and we are going over the test results, mostly average or above average. Now, this doctor that I am going over the results with has NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, had a face to face appointment with my son.  She finishes with, "At this time, my colleagues and I feel that your son has no Autism." I should have been happy with that. Oh No! I looked at her and smiled sweetly, "Well, I don't agree with you and your colleagues. That is why we are seeking a second opinion." Her diagnosis was disruptive behavior disorder. My son does not have disruptive behavior disorder. Sorry but he does not. I am not in denial. My gut feeling is telling me to push forward with a second opinion.

My point being in all of this....I WILL NOT GIVE UP! When it comes to my kids, I will be their voice and their advocate until the day I take my last breath. I will fight for them.

More importantly, how have I changed since beginning the "Unglued" study and to now after all of the above?

I have learned that I AM A WORK OF ART WITH A MESSY ROOM AND YES SOMETIMES AN  EXPLOSIVE REACTION WHO SHAMES HER SELF!

I am striving every day to make imperfect progress. I am learning that I can control my emotions. I know that I trust God. The day I blew up, it wasn't all about me and I took on the perspective of the CSP and that nurse. I wonder how many times they were yelled at that day or the day before. They were only following company policy even if I don't agree with their policy.

I have replayed that day over and over again, I have brought that day to God and I have left all this worry over Eli to God. In the end are all these battles really about me? No, it isn't.

2 Chronicles 20:15b NIV84
This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.

Chapters 7 and 8: I am not even that far in this study! However, I am looking forward to finding out about the "Biblical Procedure Manual" and thumbing through to chapter 8: "When discouragement looms close, God's power moves in closer." gives me so much hope!

Personally, I am now just starting chapter 4. So behind! I feel like Satan is bombarding me with not getting this study done. Satan does not want me to be successful! I will not let him win. I will push through this and persevere! God will guide me through this storm.

Dear Father,

Thank you for guiding me through this storm helping me to conquer Satan and his evil plans! I know that you are so amazing and I see that you will pave the way with some minor bumps to getting closer to you. Please help me control my emotions so that I don't pounce on someone verbally ever again. Lord, help me seek my gift(s). I need help, Father, I have a messy room but I am a work of art...help me find the beauty and value you see in me. Help me help my quirky son to get the therapy he needs and to help me to find a doctor that will finally listen to me about Eli. Thank you for the blessings that are my children, both Kaelie and Eli!

In Jesus' Name I Pray. Amen.

P.S. I forgot to tell you...I have an appointment tomorrow (Thursday, 10/17/12) with Eli's pediatrician and it is the doctor that handles the behavioral and autism side of the practice. Please say a prayer that I can get him to listen to me and that I can get him to understand that Eli's problem is not just another behavior problem. At least Eli still has his IEP....

New Beginnings...

This blog is being written for many reasons. Mostly because I feel like I am being called to share my journey with you. This blog is about my journey in faith, life, love, and joy. I have 3 main goals I want to accomplish with this blog:

1. To remind myself daily that I am a work of art with a messy room. God made me beautiful. To break free from the labels that tear me down. How can I be a great Mommy, wife, and Girl Scout leader if I don't think I am beautiful?
2. To document my journey of discovering my gift.  Since God has made us all unique and beautiful, I want to find out what is so special about me, Jenny, the one with the messy room. How can I teach my Sunday school class about having a gift if I don't know my gift?
3. To tell my story of being a Mommy to a perfectly imperfect quirky boy named Eli and a girl named Kaelie. Sharing not only my joys and triumphs of motherhood but also the failures.

I may steer away these 3 goals at times...ADD isn't it grand?

This blog is not only going to serve the purpose of helping me seek the above goals but it is going to be a voice for other Mommy's with perfectly imperfect quirky kids. (more about that later...)



The above verse is speaking to me today in volumes! Along with reading my bible study book, "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst, and studying the bible, I have what I need to research my first goal.

In Lysa's book and through the OBS at Proverbs 31, I discovered this bit of knowledge...

God's Workmanship = Work of Art, Masterpiece = Piece of the master. We are made in God's image. It doesn't matter if I have a messy room, I am a masterpiece! I am a child of God with a messy room.

I chose the above image not only because of the verse is now among my favorites but also because it shows my passion....MUSIC! I love nothing more than to make beautiful noise with my trombone or baritone. It reaches my soul just like the words of the bible! I am not the greatest singer and I am not the greatest musician. What am I rattling on about? Well, just like that beautiful noise I sometimes create, God has created a beautiful person, me and you!

Yes, I have a messy room and I am far from perfect! But God created me for a reason, he has given me a gift that I am seeking...perhaps it's music, my gift of gab, or even my caring heart (I often get hurt because of this!) but whatever this journey brings, I am open and willing to learn.

Dear Father,

You made me unique, you have given me a gift that I am seeking. Help me search for this special gift and share it with the world so that I can share your words and your love. Help me to serve you with humility. Point me in the direction of the right path. Give me strength to pursue these goals. Give me the words to help others understand that perfectly imperfect quirky boys need love too. I trust you, Father, to show me the way.

In Jesus' Name I Pray. Amen.