Merry Christmas and New Year Thoughts

It's been awhile since I have written on this blog.

2014 has been an interesting year for me....one that is leading to better things. My one word for this year was family. I found out it wasn't about mending relationships with family but learning about different types of "families" in my life: job family, troop family, spiritual/church family, bestie family, family family.

My 2014 started in January with wrecking my car. My faith was unshakable. I knew Jesus quite literally took the wheel of my car on that snowy day. It all worked out despite my car being totaled. I ended up with a 2014 Ford Focus and I love my car. I can put January behind me and pressed on into February.

February through May went by quickly. I had a change in my job, my Girl Scout troop, my Life group, and my attitude changed along with those things. My best friend lost her son to suicide. I know my "bestie family" (The girls I grew up with that although apart, we still care about each other.) I discovered that I was not ready to lead a Life group. I also learned that I love being a troop leader just not with the current co-leader. (Through that alone, I began to learn how to love myself despite the way a certain person made me feel.) My job taught me how to be strong when being bombarded by negativity, failure, frustration, people who talked behind my back, and once again how to love myself. I realized that they didn't matter, that their negativity was not my fault (some had/have personal issues.), that only 1 love truly mattered....God's Love.

The summer months came and went. A flurry of activity from more work problems to a wonderful family vacation in Florida and even a beautiful wedding for my sister in law. At this point tjogh my faith began to falter...I stopped going to church. I don't really know why I felt so spiritually dead. Felt alone. I learned I had a family called "church family". I received cards of encouragement out of the blue. That started melting my heart again. I learned that my family family (cousins, in laws, brother, nieces, nephews, Dad, husband and my children are very important to me.)

The fall months brought just being too busy. Cheer and soccer practices and games made it seem like I was drowning. I started realizing it was okay to say no sometimes. October brought another wedding...this time for a cousin in my husband's family. I realized I missed this side of my family immensely and that I want to be around them more. They accept me for who I am and besides they all give great hugs.

November seemed to be the month that started recharging me. Yes there were problems but I felt ready to work through it. It started with getting a Facebook message from my pastor. I first thought, "Why does he care?" I answered him back and confided in him. I asked him how to get out of my funk. He then reminded me that I was not forgotten. God put me in my pastor's mind that day. That is the first time in my spiritual journey that any pastor contacted me and actually cared. Thank You Pastor Mark! Thanksgiving came and it felt good to be doing positive things for others.  Still in a funk but it was starting to get better.

December came, still here for a few more days. It flew by but I've had a lot of thinking time with being sick and now off for the holidays. Once again, God spoke to my heart on Christmas Eve. I am feeling more recharged and I am ready for whatever 2015 brings. I am blessed more than I knew. Below is my Christmas reflection from Christmas Eve:

Just sitting here reflecting on Christmas. For so many years, Christmas was just full of painful memories and lots of hurt. 3 years ago I attended a church Christmas service. In my mind "it was just another church service". Thinking back that was one of the best nights of my life. It changed me. God and I had a conversation and he answered back with something so huge....I can't really put it into words. It was the first Christmas that the pain and hurt went away.

Tonight, I was at that same church. I am still being changed. I've been in a funk this year. God has changed my heart again. 

Thank you God for bringing your son into this world all because you love me, because you want me, because you loved the world. I am humbled, in awe, touched, feeling like I don't deserve this kind of love while crying tears of joy. Thank you God for not giving up on me.

Merry Christmas to you all! I love each and everyone of you.

I am on a quest today and the rest of 2014....searching, praying, and thinking about a new word for 2015.

MTC: Week 5

I've been looking over the blog hop topic questions for this week and I can't really just pick 1 this time. There are so many things I need or want to say...so here it goes!

1. #Beneficial: This study has been beneficial to me because I am now a non-smoker! Woo Hoo! I have finally realized that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! (my paraphrase of Philippians 4:13) So many things have been beneficial during this study...my small Facebook group #41, the OBS blog, twitter, Rev It Up and the fact that I am studying God's word with women from all over the world!

2. Lamentations 3:22-24 NIV "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

This is what I get in my own words: Jenny, my love for you is so great and because of this great love, my plan for you will never fail. Trust me, girl, I got this! I am your portion and that is all you need.

I cry out and say, "Lord, you are my portion. You are all that I need to get past this moment!"

3. Emotional Triggers: This is a tricky, sticky subject. Just like when I get upset and crave something chocolate and filled with caramel, I also crave smoking a cigarette. I crave it after I eat a big meal and I also crave them especially after a big argument. I crave them on my 40 minute drive to work. I crave them especially when I am happy, sad, angry, and anxious. My triggers for food cravings or cigarette cravings revolve around my emotions. I have tried quitting so many times but this time I think it will stick. Why, you ask? Well, my friends, because I have God by my side. When my food cravings happen, I have usually gone through some big emotional battle with my 10-year old daughter (who thinks she is going on 16) and I forget to breathe, to pray, and to ultimately lean on God. Instead I use stuffing food into my face as a crutch. What if I stop and breathe and ask God to help? What kind of difference could this make? I think this could make a lifestyle change that is beneficial to my spiritual growth.

4. Soul Filling Satisfaction: “For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things” (Psalm 107:9)

This promise speaks volumes to my heart. My soul has been thirsty and craving God. When I fill myself with negativity, with food, or with smoking a cigarette I am giving myself a temporary fix. Now, if change my perspective and start filling my soul with God, my life is going to change not just temporarily but my life is going to change for the better permanently. It is going to stick this time. 

The one thing that I could ask God to help me feel a deep and soul-filling satisfaction is that when I make a good choice to make a healthy, lifestyle change that God will show me wisdom to know that it is the baby steps that are going make a long lasting impact on my life that goes further than just my outward appearance. My hope is that these changes will be felt deep down into my soul. I #CraveGod and hope that he will fill my soul with good things and that the negative things in my life are sucked up into a vacuum and thrown out with the trash. 

Raging Battle that I Intend to Win

There is this raging battle going on with me right now in this life. I am battling a lot of emotional stuff that at times includes depression, unhappiness, anxiety, fear...a spirit crushing time in my life. I've had heartache after heartache off and on over the last 6 to 7 years. From having a miscarriage, marital discontent to losing 2 important people in my life; my Mom and my big brother. These things have left scars on my heart that run deep inside of me.

Instead of turning to God for some of these things, I turned to food, alcohol, and sex. Yeah, I am putting that out there. You see, these are all forms of self sabotage. I know this now after counseling and yes, even praying. I craved those things more than I craved God. I did not love me.

I think mostly I did not feel any kind of self worth. I didn't know that I was loved. I often looked in the mirror with anguish and tears, "How could God love someone like me? I am damaged." These thoughts threatened to cause me to want to give up. Many times I felt like that but I kept moving. I believe during those times of some of my most darkest moments in life, that God was with me...I don't just believe I know he was carrying me.

I am better now with some days that are harder than others. But the difference now and even just 1 year ago, I quit relying on myself (I've had to rely on me for so long...) and I got down on my knees and begged God to take care of me. He has. He will always be there for me.

It's a coincidence that just today I was talking with my Sunday school class (I teach 1st and 2nd grade.) and shared with them a moment only a couple of weeks ago about how God was right there with me. He did not abandon me. I had a car wreck. I hit an icy patch on the highway and ended up swerving out of control starting to do a 360 to the right when another car was coming. They hit my right front side and spun me around in the other direction (another 360). At that point, I took my hands off the wheel (literally) as there was nothing I could do because counter-steering did nothing. I prayed out loud and said, "God, Father, please don't let anyone be hurt. Please take over and help me to land safely." (Don't worry I didn't get too dramatic and detailed with them as I have with you.) But I told them that in that moment I kept the faith, I prayed and God saved me. He was with me in that car. Yes, my car was wrecked but I was still alive and unhurt!

When we arm ourselves with His word (our weapon) and add prayer into that combination, we can overcome anything. No matter the situation, whether it is food that we crave or we just simply are not putting God first, He will always be with us...by our side..."brick by brick...prayer by prayer...lay a path for victory." (Page 30 on Kindle Version, Made To Crave)

Why Made To Crave?

Here we are again, getting ready to start another study through Proverbs 31 and Melissa Taylor's online bible studies. This time we are going to study Made To Crave.

There were many reasons I chose to participate in this study (some selfish, some spiritual):

1. I love my OBS group. They have been my support and my friends.
2. I love the flexibility of an online study.
3. I love being able to blog freely as I love writing.
4. I have grown spiritually through the studies from last year.
5. I am being fed spiritually.
6. I hope this study is not just about food cravings. I crave food and I am an emotional eater.
7. I feel like I was "Made to Crave God". I am thirsty for more when it comes to learning about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.
8. There are many things I crave that do not glorify God (I smoke cigarettes and want to quit. I crave food. I crave attention...good or bad.). I crave things that don't put God first in my life and I want to learn how to overcome the many battles of craving. I want to crave God first.
9. I know that God has a bigger plan for my life and I think if I can overcome the cravings that keep me from putting God first, that this will help me move along and to receive God's big plan for my life.
10. I've learned many things about myself that has opened up so many promising things. With God all things are possible.

I will leave you with my favorite scripture. It's about not giving up. Which happens to be my life motto and when I get down so low that I feel like quitting I pull out my Bible and read these: Hebrews 12 and Philippians 4:13.

I Believe

Here I go again with another fabulous bible study with Proverbs 31 and Melissa Taylor! We are doing a study on Renee Swopes "A Confident Heart".

Many times in my life I have let self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a lack of confidence make decisions for me. I didn't take the high paying job because I felt like a failure. I stepped out of my marriage because I let those doubts and negative talk convince me that my husband did not love me. I won't say yes to becoming the service unit manager for my local Girl Scouts because I believe that I'm nothing special. Even more recently, I stopped writing on a blog project for my church because I got sick with a nasty virus and missed a bunch of days that have now turned into a couple of weeks. I let myself think that my church family will not forgive me and why should I bother, I am not qualified. I fear failure.

In chapter 1 of "A Confident Heart", the following verse stands out: "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I start to think about another study where we talked about negative inside chatter and this image of myself comes to mind:

When the ugly thoughts, lies, and doubts creep in, I must remind myself to seek truth. Where do I find this truth? It's found by reading the Bible, believing the words and knowing that there is #perfectlove that is given to us by God. Renee Swope has a free download on her website, www.ReneeSwope.com, that is called "Don't Throw Away Your Confidence". Here are some examples to my own personal struggles:

When I say, "What if I fail?" God says, "I will give you victory, Jenny!" The truth I will hold onto: "But I thank God, who always leads us in victory because of Christ." 2 Corinthians 2:14 GW

When I say, "I'm not good enough." God says, "Jenny, you're royalty to Me!" The truth I will hold onto: "You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:3

When I say, "I'm nothing special." God says, "You are a masterpiece, Jenny!" The truth I will hold onto: "For [you] are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Thank You Abba, My Father, for loving me! Abba, I belong to You! You are the God who sees me, El Roi. You are the Lord, My Rock, my Yahweh Tsuri!

Lifegroups

Lifegroups, that is what my church calls it, is a group comprised of people, men or women, couples, young people, old people who have one thing in common. God is what they have in common. Some are baby christians, a few are "on the fence" believers, while others are head-over-heels-in-love-with-Jesus. New members and old members alike are encouraged to be a part of these groups. When I was first approached, I thought to myself, "Oh! This is just an over-glorified bible study group. I have no time for this. Why do I need to attend one of these?"

The first time I stepped into our meeting room, my heart did a silly flip flop, my legs felt like rubber, my hands were shaking...I was inundated with negative chatter like, "Why are you here? You are no Christian, you are not like these people, they are not going to like you, you are going to be ignored...on and on." I finally calmed myself (at least I thought it was me doing the calming ;) haha) down enough to listen gto the others in the group. Guess what? I did belong. I actually enjoyed the group. I went back.

Present time, about 1-1/2 years later...now if I miss our weekly meeting, my week seems not go very well. I look forward to 1-1/2 hours of love, support, understanding, and yes some bible study time too. It's nice to know there are 6 other women who have been through what I have or going through similar things. It's nice to know that what we talk about is kept confidential. There are 6 other women praying for me at a moment's notice. We have exchanged emails and cell phone numbers in case we need one another.

This past Saturday I was invited to a "Leader" meeting. Usually, our group's main leader goes to these but this week I was asked to attend. Of course, I was late as usual...I think late should be my middle name. Life just gets in the way some days. Thank goodness most of them know me and know my life is anything but easy with a special needs child at home. (That's one reason I love my church...they accept me for me.)

At this particular meeting, I learned that our mission for our Lifegroups is to get new and old members connected to a group. Through these groups you will spiritually grow. However, to accomplish this goal we have to get out of our "comfort zone" and talk with people. (Of course, my stomach rolled at this thought.) Little did I know this was God preparing me to meet a special lady the very next day. A story that will be shared some day perhaps.

What does the future hold for me with my Lifegroup? I don't know. Does that bother me not knowing? Sometimes, I am human. But I know that no matter what plans God has for me, if I follow His plan, the outcome will be just fine.

So, if you have this type of thing at your church or you attend my church...FIND A LIFEGROUP! Give it a chance and find the group that is right for you. If none of the groups are right for you, there is always an opportunity to start your own group.

Mirror, Mirror. ..

On the wall...this life is no fairytale. That's for sure. At least, that's how I am feeling this fine Thursday evening. I am defeated today with worry, stress, pressure, he said-she said drama! I am worn.

This video came to mind last night (Thursday) but when I wrote this blog due to my being so tired and worn, I forgot to add this video:

I looked in the mirror tonight, Father. I don't like what I see...bags under my eyes, tired and hurt eyes, scraggly hair that desperately needs to be cut, extra weight. My thought Father is how could you love this mess of a woman? But then I felt your hug tonight as I was crying in front of my bathroom mirror. I know you love me, I know you want me to be healthy but YOU. LOVE. ME. unconditionally, forever. I am still hurting, Father, I am broken but am I really beautiful to you? What can I change? I feel so lost tonight, my Father. What do I do about those situations I brought to you earlier?


His reply is below:
Matthew 6:31-34 NIV

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stop worrying, Jen-Jen! I got this, go to bed and tomorrow will be here my beautiful daughter. Love, Your Heavenly Father

PS STOP WORRYING!