I Believe

Here I go again with another fabulous bible study with Proverbs 31 and Melissa Taylor! We are doing a study on Renee Swopes "A Confident Heart".

Many times in my life I have let self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a lack of confidence make decisions for me. I didn't take the high paying job because I felt like a failure. I stepped out of my marriage because I let those doubts and negative talk convince me that my husband did not love me. I won't say yes to becoming the service unit manager for my local Girl Scouts because I believe that I'm nothing special. Even more recently, I stopped writing on a blog project for my church because I got sick with a nasty virus and missed a bunch of days that have now turned into a couple of weeks. I let myself think that my church family will not forgive me and why should I bother, I am not qualified. I fear failure.

In chapter 1 of "A Confident Heart", the following verse stands out: "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I start to think about another study where we talked about negative inside chatter and this image of myself comes to mind:

When the ugly thoughts, lies, and doubts creep in, I must remind myself to seek truth. Where do I find this truth? It's found by reading the Bible, believing the words and knowing that there is #perfectlove that is given to us by God. Renee Swope has a free download on her website, www.ReneeSwope.com, that is called "Don't Throw Away Your Confidence". Here are some examples to my own personal struggles:

When I say, "What if I fail?" God says, "I will give you victory, Jenny!" The truth I will hold onto: "But I thank God, who always leads us in victory because of Christ." 2 Corinthians 2:14 GW

When I say, "I'm not good enough." God says, "Jenny, you're royalty to Me!" The truth I will hold onto: "You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:3

When I say, "I'm nothing special." God says, "You are a masterpiece, Jenny!" The truth I will hold onto: "For [you] are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Thank You Abba, My Father, for loving me! Abba, I belong to You! You are the God who sees me, El Roi. You are the Lord, My Rock, my Yahweh Tsuri!

Lifegroups

Lifegroups, that is what my church calls it, is a group comprised of people, men or women, couples, young people, old people who have one thing in common. God is what they have in common. Some are baby christians, a few are "on the fence" believers, while others are head-over-heels-in-love-with-Jesus. New members and old members alike are encouraged to be a part of these groups. When I was first approached, I thought to myself, "Oh! This is just an over-glorified bible study group. I have no time for this. Why do I need to attend one of these?"

The first time I stepped into our meeting room, my heart did a silly flip flop, my legs felt like rubber, my hands were shaking...I was inundated with negative chatter like, "Why are you here? You are no Christian, you are not like these people, they are not going to like you, you are going to be ignored...on and on." I finally calmed myself (at least I thought it was me doing the calming ;) haha) down enough to listen gto the others in the group. Guess what? I did belong. I actually enjoyed the group. I went back.

Present time, about 1-1/2 years later...now if I miss our weekly meeting, my week seems not go very well. I look forward to 1-1/2 hours of love, support, understanding, and yes some bible study time too. It's nice to know there are 6 other women who have been through what I have or going through similar things. It's nice to know that what we talk about is kept confidential. There are 6 other women praying for me at a moment's notice. We have exchanged emails and cell phone numbers in case we need one another.

This past Saturday I was invited to a "Leader" meeting. Usually, our group's main leader goes to these but this week I was asked to attend. Of course, I was late as usual...I think late should be my middle name. Life just gets in the way some days. Thank goodness most of them know me and know my life is anything but easy with a special needs child at home. (That's one reason I love my church...they accept me for me.)

At this particular meeting, I learned that our mission for our Lifegroups is to get new and old members connected to a group. Through these groups you will spiritually grow. However, to accomplish this goal we have to get out of our "comfort zone" and talk with people. (Of course, my stomach rolled at this thought.) Little did I know this was God preparing me to meet a special lady the very next day. A story that will be shared some day perhaps.

What does the future hold for me with my Lifegroup? I don't know. Does that bother me not knowing? Sometimes, I am human. But I know that no matter what plans God has for me, if I follow His plan, the outcome will be just fine.

So, if you have this type of thing at your church or you attend my church...FIND A LIFEGROUP! Give it a chance and find the group that is right for you. If none of the groups are right for you, there is always an opportunity to start your own group.

Mirror, Mirror. ..

On the wall...this life is no fairytale. That's for sure. At least, that's how I am feeling this fine Thursday evening. I am defeated today with worry, stress, pressure, he said-she said drama! I am worn.

This video came to mind last night (Thursday) but when I wrote this blog due to my being so tired and worn, I forgot to add this video:

I looked in the mirror tonight, Father. I don't like what I see...bags under my eyes, tired and hurt eyes, scraggly hair that desperately needs to be cut, extra weight. My thought Father is how could you love this mess of a woman? But then I felt your hug tonight as I was crying in front of my bathroom mirror. I know you love me, I know you want me to be healthy but YOU. LOVE. ME. unconditionally, forever. I am still hurting, Father, I am broken but am I really beautiful to you? What can I change? I feel so lost tonight, my Father. What do I do about those situations I brought to you earlier?


His reply is below:
Matthew 6:31-34 NIV

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stop worrying, Jen-Jen! I got this, go to bed and tomorrow will be here my beautiful daughter. Love, Your Heavenly Father

PS STOP WORRYING!

#Blessed

Too blessed to be stressed! Today being Thursday would be a great day to have a theme, yeah I know you've guessed it! Thankful Thursday or AKA Finding the Blessings when you are stressed to the max! Starting with 5 and hope to add more to this list if not every day maybe once a week for now.

1. God
2 Family
3. Friends (Yes, even the one lounging on my couch right now!)
4. My Patients
5. SuperE's Therapists and Teachers

Sunday Blessings...added 4-14-13
6. A beautiful day
7. My niece
8. Sunday School..the kids all of them and one today really stood out...JK buddy, you totally made my day! Sweet and loving kids, they are all so very special!
9. Food, I have food for my children to eat.
10. My children: SuperE waking me up with a kiss and saying sorry for something he did the day before. KK seeing an old pic of her when she was about 5 and taking pic of her standing in front of that pic.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The more I think of blessings, the happier my days have become!
1. Jody, SuperE's new sitter
2. My Dad
3. The girls: (no particular order) JMS, BA, RT, SB, CC, NR, BB, and B
4. Medtronic guy: Thanks for the Iced coffee! =)
5. My Lifegroup

Thursday, April 18, 2013
1, My kids
2. Sleepy Time Tea
3.Group 41
4. My husband
5. AG pseudonym for a person who has a huge heart that helps me.

Stressed Less?

Stressed-Less? I sure hope so!

Stress....what image comes to your mind when you think of stress?


Me, I imagine myself with hair that's standing on end like when you stick your finger in a light socket. A raging migraine, the kids are yelling and fighting...again, the dog is barking, the TV is blaring. I am standing in the middle of it all with steam coming out of my ears, holding my head, and all of sudden, I explode! My mind keeps racing about Girl Scout meetings, women's ministry, work problems, money, IEP meeting, KK (my daughter) has a music program, the argument the hubby and I just had...A scream comes out but nobody hears it. They just keep on with the chaos. Why don't they hear me? Why can't I find peace?

Hopefully soon through the new OBS with Proverbs 31 and Melissa Taylor's OBS, I will learn how to live with stress and finding true peace.

My vision of true peace involves an island all to myself with nothing but the quiet, good music, and a good book to read.  I just want some quiet and for my brain to just be still. When I close my eyes and think about that place, it gives me some calm but not entirely.

Apparently, there is a cure for this and way to get peace. I've heard it's through God and our prayers.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (NASB)

That is the true peace that I am seeking. The only one who can truly give me that kind of freedom from my thoughts....God. I want to find peace that is focused on and based on Christ, my faith, a peace that comes from trusting in God.

For me, it's not so much the past that is getting to me. It's the present and future. I let those with high negative emotion affect me. I let the little things stick to me. I continually sweat the small stuff. I can't take anymore stress. I am about to break into a million tiny pieces!

Only Jesus can give me the kind of peace I am urgently looking for every day!

Dear Lord,

I want some peace in this crazy life. I don't mean the temporary makes you feel good for 5 minutes kind of peace. I need a life changing kind of peace. Something that is so deep that I can only get from you. My life has become total chaos and I haven't taken the time to reflect on what the peace we get from you means. Help me see you in the midst of my life. Help me feel your peace deep within my soul. Thank you Lord, for your love and for your peace.  In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Looking Back...

***WARNING! Some of this may be hard for you to read. I do explain a few specific things about dying and about my own Mom's passing.***

I've been thinking about my life a year ago.

One year ago, I had only been attending church for one month. I went at first for my daughter. You see, she was saved on Christmas Eve. She asked Jesus to be her forever friend at the Christmas Eve service. My goal was to take her to church to help her blossom in her faith. Then my next goal was to get my son going to Sunday school to help prepare him for school. All of this was from my Mom dying earlier in the year from cancer. You see, God has perfect timing. He showed us His perfect timing a few days before my Mom passed and the day that she left us to go home with the Lord.

The Thursday before she died, my daughter and I were on our way to visit her. KK grabbed my hand and looked up at me (we were about 1 block away from the nursing home.) and said, "Mom? Is everything going to be okay? Is Grandma going to Heaven?" Of course, I turned it around and said, "Yes, honey, it is going to be okay. Jesus is with us. What do you think is going to happen when Grandma dies?" KK says the most amazing thing next, "Well, Grandma is going to Heaven. She will be so happy, Mom! I just know it! She is not only going to get to see Jesus, but she is going to see all of her family that are gone like her parents and grandparents. Grandma is not going to have anymore pain and you know what else Mom? She is going to have a new, beautiful body that will no longer have cancer." This was said so matter-of-fact that it gave me goosebumps. I knew that the message came from God. That was March, 2011.

When Mom passed, the day was nothing but perfect timing. Down to my brother A being there. I had spent all night there Friday night because we had been told her skin had started modeling. That indicates the process of dying has begun. Random funny moment Friday night/Saturday morning about 4 am, I decided that I might need to actually eat. So, I went down to the cafeteria and in the vending machine was this burger. I swear Mom had them put that in there on purpose. The title of the burger was so funny that I sat there and laughed so hard for a good 10 minutes. That would have been something she and I would have laughed about for days, weeks, sometimes even years. We had so many long standing jokes between us that nobody really got except for myself and Mom.

My picture of the not appropriate burger:

About midnight, I came back into her room and sat next to her holding her hand. I started singing "Amazing Grace" to her quietly. At one point, she turned her head to me and had opened her eyes. She was still there for just a brief moment and I whispered to her, "Mom, It's all gonna be okay, right?" Just like my daughter did on Thursday. She smiled at me and she shook her head yes and whispered back to me, "Yes, it will be okay." She then turned her head from me and closed her eyes while one tear was falling down her cheek. That was the last time we spoke to each other, the last time I heard my Mom's voice, the last time I saw her cry...that moment still makes my heart ache.

I went home early Saturday morning for about 2 hours. I think I just needed to hold my family and be near them for a little while. When I got back, my Brother M, sister-in-law E, and my Dad were there. When I went into her room, I announced loudly, "A said that he and D and the boys will be here around 2:30 today." They say the dying can still hear and that is one of the last senses to go..yeah I researched a lot about dying, the process of dying. I needed to know what was going to happen. Right before lunch, I went to the chapel and just sat down and prayed. I cried and I prayed for my brothers and my Dad. That we would all somehow grant Mom her final wish of just getting along. I don't remember praying as hard as I did that day. E's Mom brought us lunch and at lunch time I asked my niece to come with me to get my daughter. I just felt that I needed to get her. After picking up KK, we then headed to Mom and Dad's house to check on my 4-legged brother Otis. For some reason, my niece and I were sitting there and we both just got a feeling like we needed to leave. When we arrived back at the nursing home, Mom had opened her eyes the last time looking at E and A, my nephew and niece. Shortly after that, we all started telling Mom goodbye and letting her know for the thousandth time that we love her so very much and that we would meet again. Then her final moments came. All of us right there with her by her side. It was the most peaceful thing in my life that I could ever remember. I held her hand and  laid my forehead on her side as she took her last breaths. I couldn't bear looking at her face. M says that she opened her eyes briefly as she took that last breath. All of us coached her...we told her to listen for the music and to not be afraid. She left this world surrounded by her family and love, surrounded by her children that finally got their stuff together and got along, and most importantly guided by God's perfect timing.

What I didn't realize in those first months of 2012? I was the one who needed to find a church home. Yes, the kids needed it too BUT I needed it in a big way! My church feels like home to me and my kids. I feel safe, happy....just right.

9 months and 19 days after Mom passed away, KK asked Jesus to be her forever friend! I shared John 3:16 with her and told her the same thing my very good friend L. B. wrote to me in a note that she handed me before the start of Math class. Jesus became my forever friend during Math class in my sophomore year of high school. I've always been told it's about God's plan and His perfect timing. This "Jesus Thing" came up after a particularly hard season of my life and through the difficult process of my son being diagnosed with PDD-NOS (An autism spectrum disorder and just google it or check out my other blog "My Quirky Son"). I felt so alone in 2011 and part of 2012. I felt like I had no purpose and that my world was completely gray. When Mom died, my world was turned upside down. I felt like a piece of my heart broke off.  I prayed for God to help me find some friends, not just any friends, Godly women. I asked for that specifically and you know what? God gave me just that in the form of my Lifegroup and a church family. I have felt so weird about asking for prayers but I've kept at it. The pastors and elders at my church care. They check up on me and they pray for me. They have celebrated some of my joys and they have helped me through tough situations. I am growing but in a different way. I am growing spiritually.

One year ago, I felt just a slight flicker and today, I feel like I am burning inside with this this insatiable thirst, it's like a need and a want both. Every time I open my bible, I get relief from that insatiable thirst. I know there is more and I can't wait to find out what more there could be. I am excited; shaking with it really. It's like that feeling you get right before Christmas morning when you are anticipating that moment of opening gifts but so much more. Like how I felt the night before I got married  BUT so much more.


Some things Mom sent us from Heaven:

The rainbow on what would have been her birthday, 4/28/2011. It was so massive that I couldn't get it all in picture. And one thing the picture doesn't show, the bright violet color was so vibrant! Mom's favorite color was purple.

 Violets that grew in my parent's backyard by the swing set:

Let.It.Go.

Let.It.Go. A book by Karen Ehman. I am getting ready to start a new Online Bible Study through Melissa Taylor's OBS and Proverbs 31 Ministries!

Here's a sample from the back of the book cover:

"The housework. The meals. The kids. Many women are wired to control. But trying to control everything can be exhausting, and it can also cause friction with your friends and family.

This humorous, yet thought-provoking book guides you as you discover the freedom and reward of living life "out of control", in which you allow God to be seated in the rightful place in your life. Armed with relevant biblical and current examples (both to emulate and to avoid), doable ideas, new thought patterns, and practical tools to implement, Let. It. Go. will gently lead you out of the land of over control into a place of quiet trust."

So nervous about this idea of just letting it go! And I just read beautiful words written on the inside cover from my previous OBS leader, Karen...just made me cry! I love you Karen and I am so blessed to have you in my life my dear and beautiful sister in Christ!

Our first memory verse posted on Pinterest: Memory Verse!

I think the thing I struggle with the most is even knowing how to Let It Go. How do I give up control to God? How do I let "Jesus Take the Wheel"? I am Mommy...I have to be the one in control or this family is going to fall completely apart!

Page 17, top of the page: "In fact, we can even attempt to glaze this grab for power with an opaque film of righteousness. After all, maybe we're taking God's directions to us in Colossians 3:23 seriously: "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people" (NLT). Well, then, aren't we just being good church girls, trying to serve Jesus by being in charge of it all? Yep, that's it. We're simply being careful and conscientious.
Therein, fellow control freak of mine, lies the problem. There exists a minuscule line between being conscientious and being controlling. A marker so fine, we women cross it without even noticing that it's stretched out right there in front of us, waiting to trip us up. What we must do is determine the difference between being conscientious (our part) and being in control (God's job)."

You mean it's not my job to control? But I am the Mommy! This is going to be harder than I thought...

My control quotient is 44: "41 - 50: Control-freak alert! Your strength has developed into a weakness and sent others running for cover. Time to stop tweaking and start trusting before all of your friends and family scatter for good, and you end up a prisoner of your own pushy self! (Don't feel bad. I scored a 46!)"

I got my work cut out for me!

Page 20, this sentence says it all..."And being happy, I thought, meant getting my own way." Yeah, I feel that way right now. If I don't get my way in every aspect of my life, then I can't be happy and I won't be happy (Crossing my arms defiantly like my 4 year old!) Well, guess what Jenny? IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! That hurts...

The Many Faces of Control...deep down honesty?

I am all of them depending on the situation. I can be the soft-spoken saint who never says no and only says yes only to just be agreeable. Sometimes it is genuine and at other times it isn't.

The enabler is also me. I don't let the world see my true family life at home and I do craft excuses for loved ones's bad behavior. I absorb the blame and make good excuses just so my family has a good reputation.

The victim or martyr is someone that controls not by yelling or barking orders but by pouting that is well-timed...oh yeah, with the occasional sigh. Guilty. Maybe I sigh too much because I am only trying to get my way.

I am a people pleaser. I will often say what people want to hear and I do hate ruffling feathers. This really hurts to admit but I want everyone to hear what they want to hear. I tend to jump on the bandwagon that suits my purpose at that time.

These all hurt. I will rise above it and change my life. I don't want to be like any of these things.

Page 23: "I think it starts with admitting that however it may manifest itself in our own unique personalities, we have a problem: our wiring is screwed up. Because of sin, we're wired to control everything ourselves. And it will take a Great Electrician to sort through our tangled mess of selfish motives and actions and attitudes and transform them into one smooth, humming connection to our Father."

Oh My! I believe in God but I have yet to fully trust God. "...in order to get a grip, we have to let go." I hope I sincerely learn "...how to control what we should and trust God with what we can't."

And this is just Chapter 1!